Mike's "I hate blogs" blog

So my job is as perky as ... no, wait, that kind of beginning will just lead us in a completely wrong direction. Let’s try again. While the life of an intern is far from glamorous, the employer realizes this and tries to bedazzle and distract the white collar equivalent of a sweat shop laborer by showing him many a shiny object. We’re started off easy by being shown a giant goblet and then driving around in zero-radius circles before finally reaching the pinnacle of the internship: construction machinery.

The conclusion of last week’s Management Rotational Program conference occurred at a test facility for the Construction & Forestry division. There’s not much more to say beyond “I drove a lot of very big, expensive machines” and “the kids with their plastic Tonkas have nothing on me now!” so I will let the next few thousand words come from the pictures.

Me +

a big pile of dirt +

a front loader = being like a kid again.

I also got to operate (among many other pieces of equipment):

The day ended with clean up:

Score
Mike: 1 - what, did you not see the pictures?
Other interns: 1 - they were there too
The dirt: 0 - ha, take that immobile land mass!

Posted by cZulander at 02:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There are days when you hear someone speak and you know that you are in the presence of genius; that you’ve just heard an idea so simple and yet so radical that it actually has a chance to change the world as we know it. Those who have spent even five minutes with me can attest to that feeling, but (for once) I am writing about someone else. I had the pleasure of hearing William McDonough speak about his idea of turning waste into food (not literally) and taking the concepts found in nature and using them in industrial design.

Bill spoke about a number of other environmentally friendly design ideas including:

• Environmentally friendly greeting cards with non-toxic ink and pre-paid envelopes ship the cards back for recycling
• Carpet as a service, namely where you lease the material and the selling company has a financial incentive to come and pick it up
• Using natural resources, such as grass and earth, to purify water from industrial buildings before sending it back to the water system

Best of all, these ideas actually made business sense, creating new revenue models and/or saving costs. Bill went on to speak about failures of regulation, public apathy, etc. In case you would like to read more about these ideas (and perhaps get them in an expanded, misquote free format) McDizzle has a book out titled Cradle to Cradle.

Score
Mike: 1 - For actually enjoy a conference for once
Bill: 1 – For copying nature and making the world more green (including his own pockets)
The World: 1 – For having two cool cats like Bill and I living in it

Posted by cZulander at 01:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For this (belated) Friday’s distraction, I present for your amusement a real life story. Most of the events described below actually occurred (in one fashion or another) with the unfortunate part being that they happened to me. The tale begins with my unusually prompt arrival at the RDU for my flight to O’hare. Having been notified by United (go SMS flight updates!) that my flight was going to be minimally delayed, I had steeled myself mentally for the wait. Little did I know that this 30 minute delay would turn into a three hour ordeal. As the departure time advanced further and further into the night, I decided that beyond steel, my mind needed liquid reinforcement. A short jaunt down the terminal found me at the neighborhood “bar & grill”, a locale soon to be filled with the rest of the crew from the SS Minnow.

A couple *cough* libations and a sandwich later, the witching hour was upon us and I was on my United flight, serviced by United Express, operated by Mesa Airlines, part of the Star Alliance. What all of that has to do with getting me from point A to point B I have no idea, but it seemed very important to the flight attendants to mention each and every one of those relationships and therefore it should be important to me (I guess). Marketing 101 tells us that branding is almost as important as confusing your customers to the point that they can’t make a rational decision since they don’t understand the product, therefore making them more likely to purchase a ticket on your airline as they’re very much uncertain which carrier it actually is. Yet I digress. Two hours later I had successfully arrived in Chicago, thinking the worst was behind me. That feeling of relief should have been the first clue that I was about to get screwed again, this time by the CTA. Having found a comfortable seat on the blue line (clue #2 to the bending over that was about to occur), I was eagerly expecting our departure when a voice boomed over the megaphone and before I could say “God, is that you?” we were told to switch trains due to a mechanical fault. Begrudgingly giving up my seat, I followed the herd to another set of subway cars. As cruel fate (or a bored CTA employee) would have it, there was something wrong with that train as well. So yet again, I picked up all of my worldly (erm, travelingly?) belongings and moved to a third train. This process of shuffling us around took over half an hour, with the crowd of people wanting to get onto the blue line constantly growing. Why there was such demand for public transportation at 11pm is baffling, but a subway car stuffed like sardines with the traveling elite, was a testament to the human desire to make my life miserable.

Score
Mike: 0 - For all of the reasons above
Guiness: 1 - For making a tasty libation
United whatever-line: 1 - For great marketing
CTA: 0 - You just suck

Posted by cZulander at 12:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It was never in question that Nascar is the most boring "sport" on Earth, but having someone like Schumacher tell the giant marketing machine of driving around in a circle where to shove it just cements the point:

"What do you see in Nascar? What is exciting about it? I can't see that, running around in ovals," he said. "I just don't see the challenge in it for me. Personally, I wouldn't do it." He went on to criticize the Nascar vehicles themselves. "I don't know how heavy these cars are — but a heavy and very low-developed car to drive compared to a Formula One car."

Go Schumi! See you at the Istanbul GP.

Posted by cZulander at 10:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Living in cubicle land for a month has not come without its casualties, mostly inflicted by others upon my meek self. One very quickly becomes acquainted with the (annoying) habits of nearby occupants and hallway passer-bys. For example, take the guy who routinely whistles and snaps his fingers while walking. Frankly, I don’t care if he just had the most wonderful night of his life, waking up to the soft caresses of Heidi Klum and Eva Longoria or Clay Aiken and David Hasselhoff or even a sheep and a cow for all I know and care, but that does not give him the right to annoy the crap out of me.

Worse yet is the office "laugher" who mysteriously finds every other word spoken uproariously hilarious. For crying out loud, nothing is that funny, except perhaps this blog and I know for a fact that she doesn’t read it as the laugher is sporadic rather than continuous.

Lest you think the pot is calling the kettle black, let me tell you about my own office demeanor. First of all, I value hygiene and ensure I smell good all day by liberally applying cologne each morning. The tears in the eyes of those sitting nearby demonstrate to me their heart felt appreciation for the efforts I go through for them. Secondly, I realize I’m part of a team and make sure everyone is treated fairly by making my witty remarks loud enough for everyone to hear and even repeat the funny ones continuously until everyone “gets it.” Finally, being a staunch believer in equality and the woman’s value in the workplace, I make sure to congratulate my female co-workers on a job well done with a kind word about their dress and a firm pat on the behind. And how am I repaid for my kindness? Every morning I find my cubicle moved to the basement, a new voicemail from HR and groans from those around me when I finally put all of my stuff back. Let me assure you though that no amount of practical jokes will dissuade me from spreading my message of good manners and gentlemen civility throughout the business world jungle.

Score:
Mike: 1 – for being me
Co-Workers: 1 – for being near me
Pranksters moving my stuff and pretending to be HR: 0 – you’re just not that funny

Posted by cZulander at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For this Friday's distraction, I offer you "Pantyhose as a fashion statement"

Posted by cZulander at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I read a very interesting article today which had this astounding heading:

For the first time in 40 years, supercar maker Aston Martin has turned a profit.

This news has really made me rethink why I even bothered with business school. If a company can be run so poorly for 40!!! years and still survive, why do I need to be knowledgeable, or dare I even say good, at my job? I can just go work for AM and call it a career.

Posted by cZulander at 07:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ok, so this entry is a week late, but how often do you get your picture taken with the Stanley Cup? I don't know how that is an excuse, but I typed it so it is not for you to question. Back to the story. Evidently John Deere is a big sponsor of the Carolina Hurricanes aka The 'Canes aka a hockey team in a state which hasn't seen naturally occurring ice since the last ice age. As a thank you for all of those mega-millions (likely spent on evenly distributing ice cubes on the floor of the hockey rink), the team brings the Cup to our offices. Now, this is a pretty raw deal if you ask me. First of all, whether The ‘Canes win or loose you still have to pay the same amount and secondly its not really the team that bring the cup but rather some low-level lackeys who evidently are too distracted by the shine coming off the damned thing to be able to tell the time correctly and end up arriving an hour late.

So there you have it, me and the Cup. You can start being jealous now.

Score
Mike: undetermined - I don't watch hockey and I wasted two hours of precious Internet surfing tme waiting in line for this picture
The 'Canes: 1 - for figuring out how to freeze ice in 90F heat and extort corporate sponsors
JD: 1/2 - A point for graciously bringing the cup to our offices and no points for the loss of productivity that caused (me)
The delivery crew: 0 - Get new watches and a pair of sunglasses to block the Cup's sheen.

Posted by cZulander at 10:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Fortunately my name isn't Jack and I was able to get some play time in today. One of the general managers of the Golf & Turf division took us down for a factory tour at the Fuquay Varina (I mean, common people, who the hell names these cities) plant. We also had the opportunity to drive some of the equipment produced by the factory on our very own simulation golf course.

Now the first time you get onto a Z-series mower, named after its ability for a zero-radius turn about its axis, the reality hits you that the controls are more like those of a tank (which you've never driven) than those of a car (which, unless you’re a sucker under the age of 16 or have an incapacitating fear of things automotive, you have). After some time spent on the field, I was fully confident in my ability to start, stop and steer the mower, but unfortunately I was also confident of a fourth “S”: slow. Don’t get me wrong, I tried my hardest to get the thing to meet or exceed its operational parameters, climbing up to the top of a hill and jamming both throttles to full open. Alas, it was not to be. So it was time to try a different device.

This one at least had the opportunity for danger, with a devil may care attitude of no seat, no seatbelt and no roll over protection. It was also half as fast. Which means it was a quarter as interesting. A short spin later (figuratively speaking of course), I was ready to get out of the North Carolina sun and into some shade. So there you have it. A factory tour, two mowers and half a sun burn later, my Tuesday was complete.

Posted by cZulander at 10:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There are days when “it’s a small world after all” is less of a comfort or a cute Disney song and more a poignant reminder of how the world is out to screw me. In short:

Went to a bar for happy hour Thursday night. It was a pretty quiet place.
Ended up bitching about the internship with the other interns.
Turns out the guy sitting one seat away from us is a senior director.
We find this out only when another director approaches and introduces us.

No pink slip on the desk Friday morning, so at least that seems like a good sign.

Score
Mike: 0 – for being beaten by the man
The man: 1 – for passing one over on Mike

Posted by cZulander at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Happy 4th of July dear blog readers, illicit government eavesdroppers and web crawling 'bots. I hope that you had the opportunity to celebrate Independence Day like the forefathers always intended, with a cheap domestic beer in one hand, a hamburger in the other and a bucket of freedom fries in all of their vein clogging goodness finely balanced on your lap. I know I did, although instead of a barbeque, I chose to (well, was forced to) conduct my celebration in the nation’s capital (well, the nation’s capital’s airport’s restaurant’s bar’s seating area’s chair).

Today certainly did not go as planned, but it ended up being a day of many fortuitous coincidences for myself and a fellow traveler. A long story cut short in the interest of your Gen Y attention span and my desire to go to sleep, my flight back to Cary connected through DCA (that’s Regan National for the non-consultants out there). That last leg ended up being delayed by over three hours, which allowed me to accomplish something that I had always wanted to do while living in Baltimore: get to see the fireworks in D.C. But the happenstances don’t end there, or more specifically, they get much more interesting. I struck up a conversation with a fellow traveler who was flying to RDU (Raleigh-Durham, like duh) from Michigan. Turns out that after 40 years and two marriages which ended horribly, one in a sudden and unexpected death and one in divorce, he ended up reuniting with his high school sweetheart. As the mystery man explained to me, it all started when his company’s Intranet was shut down for service (ok, I guess it all started when God said ‘boo’ and the universe spontaneously occurred or however else you care to explain our existence, but you know what I mean). He decided to surf the web but was continuously annoyed with pop up ads for a classmates tracking website. Finally he relented to the incessant marketing, and cautiously signed up for the web page, believing it was there only to extract membership fees. To his astonishment, he found the name of his long lost love on the site and while still skeptical, the disenchanted man sent her a message to try and reestablish contact.

“I was very much surprised when she sent me a message back only two hours later”
“Clearly you don’t understand how this new age contraption called ‘e-mail’ works”
“What?”
“Nothing, go on with your story”

The rest is … well, not history as it just happened, but just past-tense-event-o-ry. So the love struck man was returning from a wonderful weekend of “visiting” his sweetheart, who had (fortunately for him) also divorced a few years earlier. The man was so smitten that he even showed me pictures of the woman, from both her high school years and how she looks now. All I have to say is that I was fortunate he didn’t know what a MILF was. Now the skeptics among us say that it’s just a fleeting moment and that it will never last, but I like to look on the positive side of life – with such a good looking mom, the daughter's bound to be hot. Happy 4th of July everybody!

Posted by cZulander at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)