Mike's "I hate blogs" blog

That's right, you're not imagining things - there's a gigantic boob in this picture. Whoever carved this into the western Virginia landscape really needs to find something better to do with his time. Like writing a blog.

Not that I have a problem with large sculptures or breasts for that matter. I often group them into the same category of "beautiful but distracting." My problem lies in the fact that if Virginia is your 18 year old, busty cousin, the Midwest is more like your flat chested neighbor: you know you don't belong in Virginia, but boy wouldn't it be a lot more fun.

Posted by cZulander at 10:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What you need to know: Set in South Boston, The Departed is a story focusing on the divergent career paths of two young men trying to arise from poverty. One decides to work for “the man” and lives in luxury with his gorgeous girlfriend. The other chooses “civil service” and hides out with thugs while taking prescription medication for his anxiety. Their lives then re-converge as they both end up getting screwed over in the end.
Why you should go: Since we’ll all be working for “the man” soon enough, I think this “feel good” movie will appeal to most b-school students. Additionally, although the undergrad you’re dating was too young to see Leonardo Di’Caprio in Titanic, she’ll still enjoy his now matured heart-throb status. Not only does this bode well for your GSB average age of 28, you’ll enjoy an actual plot which has somehow made it past the Hollywood “lowest common denominator” gauntlet.
Why you shouldn’t go: Because you’ve finally gotten off the kidney transplant list and need to have your operation right away. Simultaneously, you’ve secured your dream job which offers you a health plan that covers work performed by doctors who aren’t in their residencies.

Action, romance, suspense, Leonardo Di’Caprio. This film seems to have it all, ranging from a famous cast and award winning director to a plot chock-full of emotions you can pay Hollywood to feel. Make sure you come with plenty of patience however as you will have to wait for any of it. The movie starts off more like an exploration of local accents painfully recreated by non-local actors than something actually interesting. Amazingly enough, the person who really fits his role is Mark Wahlberg, owing to his native Southie birth and incredible street cred (Marky Mark was all thug). Granted I lived in Boston for 15 years and perhaps have a better ear for the true Bahstonian accent than your average person, but in a movie which cost more to produce than I will make in a lifetime that is just no excuse for poor vocal recreations.

The protagonist in this movie is a young man whose family has been deeply rooted in organized crime for generations. This apple however has fallen far from the tree and proceeds to join the Massachusetts State Police academy to break away from his seemingly predestined life. His nemesis is just the reverse, having come from a good home only to be recruited by the mob to serve as a rat within the Staties. He is yet another apple which has managed to tuck and roll far away from the family tree. The audience is then subjected to two hours of these two “geniuses” trying to discover the identity of each other with minimal success. The stress caused by this grade school chess match is enough to render one man impotent but with a girlfriend and the other potent but with only himself for company. I’m not sure if that’s considered irony or just a lack of game, but I think the loudest cheer during the movie came when the poor guy actually got some.

As the due date for my article nears, interviews approach fast and I have yet to figure out how to explain raising llamas as a summer internship, allow me to summarize: The Departed is a truly amazing movie. It is suspenseful, well acted, funny at just the right times and has a very unexpected ending. You will not be disappointed for having seen it.

Posted by cZulander at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The road to Climax can be a tricky one – there are sharp turns, blind corners and unexpected bumps along the way but with enough patience, care and guidance from others it is well worth the experience. I was tipped off to Climax by Google of all things (it’s amazing what you can find on the Internet) while planning my trip to Michigan.

According to the directions, I could reach Climax by simply getting off the highway. Intrigued, I followed the instructions only to find no signs or directions on how to reach the actual Climax. All I had was an arrow pointing to its general vicinity. It felt like I had traveled all this way only to be let down at the very last moment. Refusing to give up so easily, I made a final dash at full speed for Climax. It turned out that the street I was on led to a fork in the road where I needed to blindly guess which way Climax laid. Perspiring from the stress of fumbling about in the figurative dark, I was momentarily frozen by having to figure out on the spot which way to go.

Fortunately, the path I chose was the right one and with a bit of luck I was able to reach Climax in only a few minutes.

Score
Mike: 1 - For reaching Climax, MI without getting lost along the way
All the perverts who think that this story is some sort of double entendre: 0 - You forget that Mike is all class

Posted by cZulander at 06:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Not like the world needed any more proof of what a bad ass I am, but in case there's ever been a doubt allow the following quote to set the record straight:

"Blogging has become a socially accepted practice - just as are dating seriously too young, underage drinking and general misbehaving," notes the monthly of the Reformed Church of God, Ambassador Youth.

So, since I am/have been/will be guilty of those practices, I believe my case for badness is made.

Score
Mike: 1 - Oh yeah!
Silly zealots who know squat about blogging: 0 - For knowing squat about blogging

Posted by cZulander at 08:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What you need to know: A native Spanish speaker, talking in English throughout the movie, is conned by his French speaking mother to move to Paris. His next door neighbor who speaks French with an English accent finds his quirky character interesting and fuels his delusions while simultaneously being surprised at his more unusual behaviors.
Why you should go: Because the undergrad you’re dating will be impressed by the existence of subtitles but not turned off by having to read too much as most of the film is in English. The compulsory open ending in any non-American film will also allow you to play the “what if” game over drinks afterward.
Why you shouldn’t go: Because this movie is a great example of Hollywood trying to apply the least common denominator formula to yet another film genre. Additionally, this movie suffers from a severe lack of violence, nudity or continuity in its plot.

The description of the movie led me to conclude that what I was going to witness was the story of whimsical man with an overbearing imagination meeting the love of his life in a foreign land. In actuality, the movie comes off more like a filmed exploration of an acid trip gone bad than any of the aforementioned marketing drivel. Interspersed among the moments of dementia are little factoids about the human sleep cycle which I can only guess have been placed there to justify the word “Science” in the movie’s title. Substantial effort is exerted to try and portray the protagonist as a lovable character by juxtaposing his bumbling self with the mean spirited and lifeless personalities of those around him (no, he wasn’t working in investment banking.). Evaluated on his own however, the need for greater social skills and lessons in emotional intelligence become apparent.

The “sleep” portion of the title comes from the many waking dreams the protagonist experiences during his day. Whacky stop motion animations draw the visual line between the two states, with a mock TV show introducing the audience to the thought processes behind the performances. The color schemes between the two states are very similar, guiding us again toward the realization that perhaps some of his imagined escapades have actually occurred in the real world. As I’m sure you can imagine, these intra-state mix-ups lead to embarrassing moments which tend to drive the romantic angle of our story. Watching the love connection between the French speaking English accented neighbor and our English speaking Spanish accented protagonist is akin to watching a whale knit. The same level of boy/girl awkwardness can be witnessed every week at TNDC, meaning you can spend your $8.50 admission fee on a couple of beers and get the same show. Also like a drunken TNDC conversation, the movie tries to do too much in too little time. We’re introduced to a variety of characters and sub-plots which often do nothing to aid in our understanding of the characters or helping to move the movie’s plot along. The biggest complaint I have is that the movie seems like a watered down version of a foreign film. It was clearly produced with an English-speaking audience in mind, removing any of the charm of hearing native speakers converse in their natural dialogue.

In all fairness, the movie is not without its charms. Jokes, situational comedy and fantasy sequences all contribute to make the film a unique offering in the typical sex and violence filled Hollywood lineup. You will also learn that a tube based television set floats in water (don’t try that with a plasma), although now that you know that a reason for seeing the movie has been removed. My recommendation is that unless you’re looking for a date movie, wait for the DVD release of “Science of Sleep” and go see “The Departed” instead.

Posted by cZulander at 01:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I was cooking dinner the other night, and said to myself “This chicken vindaloo is going to be so hot, it’ll bring tears to my eyes.” Not five minutes later, while stirring the delicious concoction, the damn thing splashes into my eye causing me to well up with tears before running to the sink to wash it out. After the cursing had ended (so about an hour later) I realized that I had a “gift” of dictating the future. My subsequent wishes, which will remain nameless, have yet to come true but let me warn enemies of mine to shake in fear and ask for help making a large deposit of gold bars to my bank. I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the virgins when they’ll arrive, but from what I’ve seen in “videos” those kinds of girls somehow find a way of entertaining themselves.

Score
Mike: 1 – For being a fortune telling super genie
My bank: 1 – For the influx of capital at your ridiculously low interest rates
The virgins: 1 – This is just way too obvious if you’ve ever read this blog

Posted by cZulander at 02:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)