Mike's "I hate blogs" blog

Movie Review: Borat

2007-01-05T03:19:36Z

What you need to know: Played by Sacha Baron Cohen of Ali G fame, Borat Sagdiyev is a Kazakh journalist who crosses America with the goal of marrying Pamela Anderson. With a heavily accented and limited English vocabulary, deeply bigoted views and a tacky wardrobe, hilarity ensues as Borat travels the (mostly Southern) states to learn more about America and its populace. Cheese made from human breast milk is served, male nude wrestling is showcased and urban youth emulated in an attempt to bring laughter to the big screen.
Why you should go: The behavior you will witness on screen will play well in future arguments with the undergrad you’re dating. Whenever she complains about how you have a dirty apartment, don’t do the dishes or roll your eyes whenever she talks about Britney, you can just say “Well yes, but at least I don’t …“ and finish the sentence with anything that you have seen in the movie. This film also presents you with perfect opportunity to showcase your sensitive side by saying things like “I support your right as a woman to make cheese out of breast milk” which is likely the only opportunity in your life to utter these words and not have them result in considerable puzzlement from those around you.
Why you shouldn’t go: You may have a difficult time explaining to your date why you said “true that” when Borat spoke about his sister being a prostitute. Additionally, if those in your movie viewing party hold any belief in political correctness this movie will walk, cross and jump over that line time and time again. That will make your uproarious and uncontrollable laughter look very bad, especially in comparison to the shocked expressions on your companions’ faces.

]]> If you have not heard about this movie then perhaps your “excellent deal” of an apartment is truly a rock you’re living under. There is so much hype associated with this film that even with a limited theatrical release the movie was able to reach No. 1 in box office revenues during its opening weekend. And by hype I don’t mean the “I can’t believe they’re actually going to make this movie” buzz which surrounded Snakes On a Plane but rather the “This won’t suck” positive kind.

The movie starts off with the premise that Borat falls madly in love with Pamela Anderson. The clear lack of taste exhibited by this singular proclamation is a great introduction to the mental acumen of our hero. If any reinforcement is needed, seeing Borat dodge New York City traffic and chase people around sidewalks cements the idea that he is truly an alien figure among the norm. The movie almost becomes painful to watch as you see ordinary folks trying to deal with truly unexpected and awkward social situations. It is like overhearing a pickup line being delivered at TNDC, where the screech of fingernails being dragged across a chalk board not only sounds more pleasant but is also more effective. The people caught in Borat’s cross hairs are in for quite the test of their social graces and never really make it out unscathed.

There is much debate in the media as to whether this film is designed to highlight the prejudice and intolerance in America (if not the world) or if it’s simply an exhibition of crass humor. I say that people put in stressful situations say the dumbest things, like “Investment banking is the right career path for me”, “Wow, your mom is really hot” and let’s not forget the all time classic of “I love you.” The point is that unless you take yourself seriously, you’re going to have a great time at this movie. Just make sure to pick your companions carefully.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T05:00:01Z

Happy New Year everyone. I know I haven't written in a while but I have many new entries planned for this new year, so once and for all get off my new back.

Pornography in Virginia

2006-10-25T03:18:13Z

That's right, you're not imagining things - there's a gigantic boob in this picture. Whoever carved this into the western Virginia landscape really needs to find something better to do with his time. Like writing a blog.

Not that I have a problem with large sculptures or breasts for that matter. I often group them into the same category of "beautiful but distracting." My problem lies in the fact that if Virginia is your 18 year old, busty cousin, the Midwest is more like your flat chested neighbor: you know you don't belong in Virginia, but boy wouldn't it be a lot more fun.

Movie Review: The Departed

2006-10-23T16:34:50Z

What you need to know: Set in South Boston, The Departed is a story focusing on the divergent career paths of two young men trying to arise from poverty. One decides to work for “the man” and lives in luxury with his gorgeous girlfriend. The other chooses “civil service” and hides out with thugs while taking prescription medication for his anxiety. Their lives then re-converge as they both end up getting screwed over in the end.
Why you should go: Since we’ll all be working for “the man” soon enough, I think this “feel good” movie will appeal to most b-school students. Additionally, although the undergrad you’re dating was too young to see Leonardo Di’Caprio in Titanic, she’ll still enjoy his now matured heart-throb status. Not only does this bode well for your GSB average age of 28, you’ll enjoy an actual plot which has somehow made it past the Hollywood “lowest common denominator” gauntlet.
Why you shouldn’t go: Because you’ve finally gotten off the kidney transplant list and need to have your operation right away. Simultaneously, you’ve secured your dream job which offers you a health plan that covers work performed by doctors who aren’t in their residencies.

]]> Action, romance, suspense, Leonardo Di’Caprio. This film seems to have it all, ranging from a famous cast and award winning director to a plot chock-full of emotions you can pay Hollywood to feel. Make sure you come with plenty of patience however as you will have to wait for any of it. The movie starts off more like an exploration of local accents painfully recreated by non-local actors than something actually interesting. Amazingly enough, the person who really fits his role is Mark Wahlberg, owing to his native Southie birth and incredible street cred (Marky Mark was all thug). Granted I lived in Boston for 15 years and perhaps have a better ear for the true Bahstonian accent than your average person, but in a movie which cost more to produce than I will make in a lifetime that is just no excuse for poor vocal recreations.

The protagonist in this movie is a young man whose family has been deeply rooted in organized crime for generations. This apple however has fallen far from the tree and proceeds to join the Massachusetts State Police academy to break away from his seemingly predestined life. His nemesis is just the reverse, having come from a good home only to be recruited by the mob to serve as a rat within the Staties. He is yet another apple which has managed to tuck and roll far away from the family tree. The audience is then subjected to two hours of these two “geniuses” trying to discover the identity of each other with minimal success. The stress caused by this grade school chess match is enough to render one man impotent but with a girlfriend and the other potent but with only himself for company. I’m not sure if that’s considered irony or just a lack of game, but I think the loudest cheer during the movie came when the poor guy actually got some.

As the due date for my article nears, interviews approach fast and I have yet to figure out how to explain raising llamas as a summer internship, allow me to summarize: The Departed is a truly amazing movie. It is suspenseful, well acted, funny at just the right times and has a very unexpected ending. You will not be disappointed for having seen it.

Exit 88 to Climax

2006-10-15T23:30:55Z

The road to Climax can be a tricky one – there are sharp turns, blind corners and unexpected bumps along the way but with enough patience, care and guidance from others it is well worth the experience. I was tipped off to Climax by Google of all things (it’s amazing what you can find on the Internet) while planning my trip to Michigan.

According to the directions, I could reach Climax by simply getting off the highway. Intrigued, I followed the instructions only to find no signs or directions on how to reach the actual Climax. All I had was an arrow pointing to its general vicinity. It felt like I had traveled all this way only to be let down at the very last moment. Refusing to give up so easily, I made a final dash at full speed for Climax. It turned out that the street I was on led to a fork in the road where I needed to blindly guess which way Climax laid. Perspiring from the stress of fumbling about in the figurative dark, I was momentarily frozen by having to figure out on the spot which way to go.

]]>

Fortunately, the path I chose was the right one and with a bit of luck I was able to reach Climax in only a few minutes.

Score
Mike: 1 - For reaching Climax, MI without getting lost along the way
All the perverts who think that this story is some sort of double entendre: 0 - You forget that Mike is all class

I'm a bad boy

2006-10-11T01:16:03Z

Not like the world needed any more proof of what a bad ass I am, but in case there's ever been a doubt allow the following quote to set the record straight:

"Blogging has become a socially accepted practice - just as are dating seriously too young, underage drinking and general misbehaving," notes the monthly of the Reformed Church of God, Ambassador Youth.

So, since I am/have been/will be guilty of those practices, I believe my case for badness is made.

Score
Mike: 1 - Oh yeah!
Silly zealots who know squat about blogging: 0 - For knowing squat about blogging

Movie review: The Science of Sleep

2006-10-09T06:59:07Z

What you need to know: A native Spanish speaker, talking in English throughout the movie, is conned by his French speaking mother to move to Paris. His next door neighbor who speaks French with an English accent finds his quirky character interesting and fuels his delusions while simultaneously being surprised at his more unusual behaviors.
Why you should go: Because the undergrad you’re dating will be impressed by the existence of subtitles but not turned off by having to read too much as most of the film is in English. The compulsory open ending in any non-American film will also allow you to play the “what if” game over drinks afterward.
Why you shouldn’t go: Because this movie is a great example of Hollywood trying to apply the least common denominator formula to yet another film genre. Additionally, this movie suffers from a severe lack of violence, nudity or continuity in its plot.

]]> The description of the movie led me to conclude that what I was going to witness was the story of whimsical man with an overbearing imagination meeting the love of his life in a foreign land. In actuality, the movie comes off more like a filmed exploration of an acid trip gone bad than any of the aforementioned marketing drivel. Interspersed among the moments of dementia are little factoids about the human sleep cycle which I can only guess have been placed there to justify the word “Science” in the movie’s title. Substantial effort is exerted to try and portray the protagonist as a lovable character by juxtaposing his bumbling self with the mean spirited and lifeless personalities of those around him (no, he wasn’t working in investment banking.). Evaluated on his own however, the need for greater social skills and lessons in emotional intelligence become apparent.

The “sleep” portion of the title comes from the many waking dreams the protagonist experiences during his day. Whacky stop motion animations draw the visual line between the two states, with a mock TV show introducing the audience to the thought processes behind the performances. The color schemes between the two states are very similar, guiding us again toward the realization that perhaps some of his imagined escapades have actually occurred in the real world. As I’m sure you can imagine, these intra-state mix-ups lead to embarrassing moments which tend to drive the romantic angle of our story. Watching the love connection between the French speaking English accented neighbor and our English speaking Spanish accented protagonist is akin to watching a whale knit. The same level of boy/girl awkwardness can be witnessed every week at TNDC, meaning you can spend your $8.50 admission fee on a couple of beers and get the same show. Also like a drunken TNDC conversation, the movie tries to do too much in too little time. We’re introduced to a variety of characters and sub-plots which often do nothing to aid in our understanding of the characters or helping to move the movie’s plot along. The biggest complaint I have is that the movie seems like a watered down version of a foreign film. It was clearly produced with an English-speaking audience in mind, removing any of the charm of hearing native speakers converse in their natural dialogue.

In all fairness, the movie is not without its charms. Jokes, situational comedy and fantasy sequences all contribute to make the film a unique offering in the typical sex and violence filled Hollywood lineup. You will also learn that a tube based television set floats in water (don’t try that with a plasma), although now that you know that a reason for seeing the movie has been removed. My recommendation is that unless you’re looking for a date movie, wait for the DVD release of “Science of Sleep” and go see “The Departed” instead.

My word is your command

2006-10-03T07:04:04Z

So I was cooking dinner the other night, and said to myself “This chicken vindaloo is going to be so hot, it’ll bring tears to my eyes.” Not five minutes later, while stirring the delicious concoction, the damn thing splashes into my eye causing me to well up with tears before running to the sink to wash it out. After the cursing had ended (so about an hour later) I realized that I had a “gift” of dictating the future. My subsequent wishes, which will remain nameless, have yet to come true but let me warn enemies of mine to shake in fear and ask for help making a large deposit of gold bars to my bank. I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the virgins when they’ll arrive, but from what I’ve seen in “videos” those kinds of girls somehow find a way of entertaining themselves.

Score
Mike: 1 – For being a fortune telling super genie
My bank: 1 – For the influx of capital at your ridiculously low interest rates
The virgins: 1 – This is just way too obvious if you’ve ever read this blog

I have a funny t-shirt

2006-09-25T07:11:52Z

"Raki is the answer, I don't remember the question" - a funny anecdote, a sign of a drinking problem or early onset Alzheimer’s? Who cares - it’s a souvenir!

Turkey in August

2006-09-25T06:25:39Z

At some point in my life, likely a moment of great weakness or intoxication, I decided to become a good GSB citizen by contributing back to the school. Even though memories of torturing our 2nd year trip leaders on the Alaska Random Walk were still fresh in my mind (who thought tattooing a “Can’t touch this” sign on the back of a freshly shaved head could be so much fun and yet so difficult to remove), I decided to volunteer to lead a trip to Turkey. In typical self-denial I thought that things would be different; I mean, what are the chances that the first year group would repeat our folly and misspell “can’t”? I’d have never guessed a misplaced apostrophe and the letter “u” could cause so much ill will.

]]> In the above pictures East meets West (yes, I spelled “meets” correctly). The land on the left hand side sits on the Asian continent while the fortifications on the right are part of Europe. Mind blowing, I know, but hey, you wouldn’t expect anything less from this blog.

As some of you have doubted my claims of being the world’s premier jet setting billionaire genius playboy, I present you with proof: my very own Boeing 737-800. Eat your heart out John Travolta – with all of your “success” you only have a weak ass 727. Booya!

Even with the aforementioned playboy lifestyle, I have not forgotten the plight of the common man. Unlike the grandiose ceiling in my (one bedroom) mansion, from what I understand the “common man” cannot afford building materials. Instead, he digs deep underground creating a “city” with very low ceilings. I could’ve gotten that all mixed up but I really wasn’t listening to our tour guide in Cappadocia. So here you have it: a picture of me in either some poor sucker’s house or a millennium old underground city. As the saying goes: potato, tomato.

Score:
Mike: 17 – Don’t act all surprised – that plane is money!
JT: 0 – If I were you I’d be shamed landing that POS when I’m in town
Turkey: 1 – For having me grace your shores, although technically we weren’t anywhere near a shore but seeing open water counts in my book so you should at least be grateful for that if not for the diversity that my crew and I brought to your fictitious land. Is fictitious the word I’m thinking of? No, I think I was going more for historic, yeah that sounds better. Your historic land. Booya!

You all suck

2006-09-25T04:48:45Z

So I've been getting crap from a number of people that I haven't been updating my blog recently. This is “interesting” in that most individuals know I could give less than a crap about their opinions. Being told to update my blog is akin to a waiter looking me straight in the eyes when taking my order – a problem normally solved by a firm smack across that insolent face. However, with recent school violence legislation I fear utilizing the same solution for both issues will have very different results. In the former, the food comes out a bit undercooked and on the moist side. In the latter, a guy named Bubba asks me to bend down and grab the soap for him. He thanks me after I retrieve it and we end up discussing the problems with insolent waiters, but frankly at this point in the recruiting cycle I’d prefer to update my blog than make idle chit chat.

Score:
Mike: 0 – I’m writing this, ain’t I?
People who claim to be my “friends”: 1 - I’m writing this, ain’t I?
Bubba: 1 – I miss you man

Ze Germans are not coming

2006-08-11T03:33:19Z

There seems to be a disconnect between the two sides of the Atlantic. On the right side (which is the left side) where I reside, people respect me. I know this for a fact, even without drinking. It is the wrong side (the right side) that hasn’t gotten the message of my (self) importance. I give you as Exhibit A an e-mail I recently received from a company in Germany regarding my on-line purchase. Dear Mr. cZulander, thank you for your order and prompt payment. Due to our vacation till 25.08.06 we can send the XXXXXXX XXXXX end of August. Thank you for your comprehension. Best regards, Kerstin XXXXXX To this, I carefuly chose my words and replied:

Dear Kerstin,

I hate you. I hate your company. I will change my flight plans to Turkey to ensure I fly through
your rustic Nazi loving village and personally kick your ass. If you are hot, and a girl instead 
of some lame emo boy with a chick's name, than I will show you hot monkey love. Otherwise an 
ass kicking awaits. Blow me,

cZulander

Score
Mike: 1 - take that you peace loving makers of wonderful cars
Germany: 1 - for learning an important life lesson]]>

The truth about global warming

2006-08-05T01:00:55Z

I’ve always been of the opinion that “the man” is out to get me. At different times and in different situations, the idea of whom or what “the man” is has changed, transcending gender, ideological and metaphysical realms. Now most would scuff at the notion that a being or force in the universe viewed me important enough to take the time out of its busy schedule just to screw with me. Before you fall into the same trap dear reader, realize that these people simply don’t know how important I am and their little minds have only a simpleton’s concept of time. I pray you don’t fall into the same trap. For the disbelievers out there, allow me to illustrate.

]]> What you see before you is the R-Gator. It has enough computers and sensors on board to end the Iraqi conflict by diplomatic means. However it chooses to use its power not on such wasteful pass times, but rather on identifying obstacles in its path and maneuvering to avoid them. It is what the intelligencia term an “autonomous vehicle” – I call it, chick - magnet - extraordinaire - with - obstacle - avoidance - technology - and - ability - to - bring - about - world - peace - version-2.0. What does all of that have to do with “the man’s” agenda against me? Simple. We were giving a live demonstration of the R-Gator to a potential client during the two hottest days so far this summer. Now, 100F days may not be that difficult to believe in North Carolina, but the demo took place in a wooded area an hour west of Boston. Those kinds of temperatures are unheard of that far north! I still remember living in Boston as a kid and running from the window during the winter to yell “Mommy, mommy, the polar bears are migrating!” And then my mom would get a tear in her eye and say what a “special” boy she had and tell me not to take the helmet off even inside the house. Ah, good times. But as you can see, “the man” was clearly involved in this situation, causing global warming and setting the standard for business casual attire to ensure I’d be sweating my Adonis like ass off in my very beige slacks. Not cool “man”, not cool at all!

Score
Mike: 1 - For finally being able to prove he’s not just paranoid
The man: 1 – For a game well played

Perks of the job, numero tres

2006-07-27T19:59:45Z

So my job is as perky as ... no, wait, that kind of beginning will just lead us in a completely wrong direction. Let’s try again. While the life of an intern is far from glamorous, the employer realizes this and tries to bedazzle and distract the white collar equivalent of a sweat shop laborer by showing him many a shiny object. We’re started off easy by being shown a giant goblet and then driving around in zero-radius circles before finally reaching the pinnacle of the internship: construction machinery.

]]> The conclusion of last week’s Management Rotational Program conference occurred at a test facility for the Construction & Forestry division. There’s not much more to say beyond “I drove a lot of very big, expensive machines” and “the kids with their plastic Tonkas have nothing on me now!” so I will let the next few thousand words come from the pictures.

Me +

a big pile of dirt +

a front loader = being like a kid again.

I also got to operate (among many other pieces of equipment):

The day ended with clean up:

Score
Mike: 1 - what, did you not see the pictures?
Other interns: 1 - they were there too
The dirt: 0 - ha, take that immobile land mass!

Robbing the cradle

2006-07-26T18:24:56Z

There are days when you hear someone speak and you know that you are in the presence of genius; that you’ve just heard an idea so simple and yet so radical that it actually has a chance to change the world as we know it. Those who have spent even five minutes with me can attest to that feeling, but (for once) I am writing about someone else. I had the pleasure of hearing William McDonough speak about his idea of turning waste into food (not literally) and taking the concepts found in nature and using them in industrial design.

]]> Bill spoke about a number of other environmentally friendly design ideas including:

Environmentally friendly greeting cards with non-toxic ink and pre-paid envelopes ship the cards back for recycling
Carpet as a service, namely where you lease the material and the selling company has a financial incentive to come and pick it up
Using natural resources, such as grass and earth, to purify water from industrial buildings before sending it back to the water system

Best of all, these ideas actually made business sense, creating new revenue models and/or saving costs. Bill went on to speak about failures of regulation, public apathy, etc. In case you would like to read more about these ideas (and perhaps get them in an expanded, misquote free format) McDizzle has a book out titled Cradle to Cradle.

Score
Mike: 1 - For actually enjoy a conference for once
Bill: 1 – For copying nature and making the world more green (including his own pockets)
The World: 1 – For having two cool cats like Bill and I living in it